not quite regret.

i believe we can have multiple "the ones." multiple great loves. but i don't think it's a certainty for everyone - how can any of us ever really know? and even when they're in front of us, we won't necessarily realize it in time. or maybe we do, but we're too clouded by our own issues to take complete advantage of it. i went to a very good friend's engagement party tonight (for two seconds - just to say hi - because i have a final on monday!), and the one thing i noticed was how secure they both seemed. happy and secure in a way that let me know they'd be together for an incredibly long time. and naturally, i started wondering what the eff i'm doing with my life, even though i'm a firm believer that i am where i am supposed to be. i really like the bajan... i definitely have feelings for him, but he feels more like a rest stop. that sounds incredibly insulting, and i do not mean it to be. he's been damn near close to perfect for the last three months, and i could see myself falling in love with him, but... rest stop.

i'm over the academic. and by over, i mean, i've moved on. there's no emotional tug.

but (and this is a big but),

tonight i realized that i missed out one great love. perhaps my only one - only time will tell. at some point, i'm going to have to be okay with that. this may be why i've changed positions on marriage. i don't want to marry any one who is not a great love. before, one was right in front of me. now, having experienced that kind of elation and pain, i don't want to relegate my heart (or legal status) to anything less. that said, if another comes along, i'll be ready.

missing him.

the bajan went on vacation to the dominican republic last saturday. he is scheduled to return today. before he left, he asked that i give him a recent picture of myself, since we wouldn't be able to meaningfully communicate while gone.

this is the first time where i really feel the absence of a person of the opposite sex who is not a family member or a friend. it has only been a week but it feels like ages since i've spoken to this person. i suppose in the past i wouldn't have let myself get to this point. i was perfectly content staggering conversations and interactions - never wanted to get too close.

where did that girl go? does she promise not to come back? this feels more honest...

full disclosure: i'm slightly apprehensive about his return. here i am missing him, but what if he had a change of heart? this is the longest we've gone without speaking to each other - our contact is usually daily. this is super new. either of us could walk away without leaving the other very hurt. either of us could meet someone else at any time.

neuroses. but i'm going to roll with them.