on punking out.

i'd love to be able to say that i am fearless in matters of the heart.

but i am a punk.

i am the punk that my friend wanted to dropkick as she was walking down hollywood boulevard, on the opposite side of the country, because she couldn't believe how much i dropped the ball.

i am a ball-dropping punk who lets fear get the best of her.

i need to do better. i need to be better.

drunken honesty.

i go through moments of sheer terror, but...

i can't wait to have kids.

funny how that works.

"i thought i had good instincts, but my radar didn't extend beyond the heart."

i just read this in a vogue article about a woman who was saddled (and that's a gross understatement) with her husband's $3 million debt to the IRS following his death from pneumonia.

clearly a unique situation, and one that has probably generated a variety of opinions about relationships, identity, control, etc. i don't think anyone would argue that this woman shouldn't have asked questions about her husband's affairs (if your husband is buying a yacht and showering you with cartier, you should ask questions), but the above quote stood out to me for other reasons.

i think many of us fault ourselves for not getting it right. not seeing what we think we should have seen. the legal "known or should have known" standard. so many matters of the heart involve leaps of faith that don't always permit room for incessant questions because oftentimes there isn't an immediate answer. just your gut. sometimes your radar shouldn't extend beyond the heart. and sometimes it definitely should. i think that's the toughest part, and where judgment usually enters. it's very difficult to separate those matters that demand more cynicism from those that demand more faith. it's also difficult to separate the cynicism that stokes our fear from our emotional core where faith and trust are found. we feel and respond to fear first. it takes an extraordinary amount of work and patience to walk through our own fear in order to get to that emotional core.

i'm (perhaps obviously) speaking from a place of having emerged from extreme cynicism. conversely, the woman in the article has arrived from a place of total faith and romanticism. i think a lot of friends would characterize me as being this crazy romantic. and i am. but i'm the romantic that never believed in her own fairytale. i just liked how it sounded. i didn't trust myself, and certainly didn't trust men. more than being a romantic, i was the queen of self-sabotage. shut myself down before anyone had a chance to do so.

the academic was my first, serious leap of faith. and i fought my fears (and common sense) as much as i could to give myself a chance at something that i believed in. after him, i've learned to trust my gut more. i remember friends and logic telling me or suggesting that it was silly. but it wasn't. even after it all fell apart, i learned that my gut got it right. and the academic learned that his gut got it right. we may not have gotten the circumstances right, but we got each other right in defiance of logic. i think that's perhaps why i've been so freewheeling with the bajan. so far, my gut tells me he's okay. more than okay. that he's right for me right now. and that's enough.

intimacy.

i haven't dated someone in awhile, so i always tend to forget this (my libido can be very overpowering), but:

sex is ten times better when your heart is in it.

kissing is also better. it's almost like the other person feels and tastes differently. your feelings for them heighten your senses, and you pay attention to every little reflex and body movement. it's this all-consuming alienation. a good alienation. of just the two of you. and you're loathe to extricate yourselves.

i know i'm saying nothing new. but it's nice to finally feel it again.

not quite regret.

i believe we can have multiple "the ones." multiple great loves. but i don't think it's a certainty for everyone - how can any of us ever really know? and even when they're in front of us, we won't necessarily realize it in time. or maybe we do, but we're too clouded by our own issues to take complete advantage of it. i went to a very good friend's engagement party tonight (for two seconds - just to say hi - because i have a final on monday!), and the one thing i noticed was how secure they both seemed. happy and secure in a way that let me know they'd be together for an incredibly long time. and naturally, i started wondering what the eff i'm doing with my life, even though i'm a firm believer that i am where i am supposed to be. i really like the bajan... i definitely have feelings for him, but he feels more like a rest stop. that sounds incredibly insulting, and i do not mean it to be. he's been damn near close to perfect for the last three months, and i could see myself falling in love with him, but... rest stop.

i'm over the academic. and by over, i mean, i've moved on. there's no emotional tug.

but (and this is a big but),

tonight i realized that i missed out one great love. perhaps my only one - only time will tell. at some point, i'm going to have to be okay with that. this may be why i've changed positions on marriage. i don't want to marry any one who is not a great love. before, one was right in front of me. now, having experienced that kind of elation and pain, i don't want to relegate my heart (or legal status) to anything less. that said, if another comes along, i'll be ready.

pause.

on second thought, do not trust anything i say during finals. ever.

i might as well be PMSing.

it is finals time. i can't think about these things right now. things are always magnified and blown out of proportion - for better or for worse. talk to me when i'm a real person.

gawd, i'm so neurotic.

closing the deal

i think i'm thisclose to closing the deal with the bajan. or maybe the bajan is thisclose to closing the deal with me, since i've been insisting on my singlehood for weeks. until this past weekend, i was absolutely sure of my singlehood. now, however, i consider him to be mine, and i consider myself to be his. and if he hooked up or went out with some other girl, i know i would be livid. this is new. before, i wouldn't have minded; i just didn't want to know about it. but now? i dare him to even try that level of foolishness with me.

i have a suspicion he feels the same way, but i don't really want to discuss it until after final exams because who needs that conversation right before finals? not i.

but boyfriend? really? interesting.