not quite regret.

i believe we can have multiple "the ones." multiple great loves. but i don't think it's a certainty for everyone - how can any of us ever really know? and even when they're in front of us, we won't necessarily realize it in time. or maybe we do, but we're too clouded by our own issues to take complete advantage of it. i went to a very good friend's engagement party tonight (for two seconds - just to say hi - because i have a final on monday!), and the one thing i noticed was how secure they both seemed. happy and secure in a way that let me know they'd be together for an incredibly long time. and naturally, i started wondering what the eff i'm doing with my life, even though i'm a firm believer that i am where i am supposed to be. i really like the bajan... i definitely have feelings for him, but he feels more like a rest stop. that sounds incredibly insulting, and i do not mean it to be. he's been damn near close to perfect for the last three months, and i could see myself falling in love with him, but... rest stop.

i'm over the academic. and by over, i mean, i've moved on. there's no emotional tug.

but (and this is a big but),

tonight i realized that i missed out one great love. perhaps my only one - only time will tell. at some point, i'm going to have to be okay with that. this may be why i've changed positions on marriage. i don't want to marry any one who is not a great love. before, one was right in front of me. now, having experienced that kind of elation and pain, i don't want to relegate my heart (or legal status) to anything less. that said, if another comes along, i'll be ready.

pause.

on second thought, do not trust anything i say during finals. ever.

i might as well be PMSing.

it is finals time. i can't think about these things right now. things are always magnified and blown out of proportion - for better or for worse. talk to me when i'm a real person.

gawd, i'm so neurotic.

closing the deal

i think i'm thisclose to closing the deal with the bajan. or maybe the bajan is thisclose to closing the deal with me, since i've been insisting on my singlehood for weeks. until this past weekend, i was absolutely sure of my singlehood. now, however, i consider him to be mine, and i consider myself to be his. and if he hooked up or went out with some other girl, i know i would be livid. this is new. before, i wouldn't have minded; i just didn't want to know about it. but now? i dare him to even try that level of foolishness with me.

i have a suspicion he feels the same way, but i don't really want to discuss it until after final exams because who needs that conversation right before finals? not i.

but boyfriend? really? interesting.

"i'm available and single"

drunk dialing and desperation.

a tragedy of hilarious proportions.