this is a first.

i'm on a bus back to new york. a fairly unassuming gentleman stopped a young woman on her way to the restroom, and asked her if he'd like to sample his array of colognes and perfumes. she assented. said gentleman then began to spritz this young woman with a variety of cheap ass colognes and perfumes that quickly permeated my space. yes, i was very irritated. she offered her commentary on this selection of eau de janky, and when finished, they began conversing about sundry topics with him leaning towards her intently.

OH. I GET IT. he was hitting on her! $9.99 perfumes are a part of his game. he just went to the front of the bus to retrieve her carry-on luggage.

well played, sir. but if you spray that crap again, i'll break your nuts.

yo soy la shadowboxer.

everyone needs someone like 1shot2many to coach them through shittiness. she is great at identifying unreasonable or counterproductive behavior that is often unfair, and that could lead to unexpected and negative consequences. she is also great at pep talks when you need to have super difficult conversations.

sometimes everything really is mostly the other person's fault, but that doesn't mean we have to respond with bitchiness or craziness. sometimes reasonableness and understanding are really the most appropriate responses (while also making your position clear and sticking to the facts, rather than succumbing to the ease of mischaracterization). there seems to be an inclination among people to just let things die silently when confusion or uncertainty sets in because "the signs are clear," "who needs the drama?" and "he's so not worth it."

but honestly, occasionally the signs are clear and we often get them very wrong due to our own baggage or neuroses. assumptions have never gotten anyone very far, so i think, if you have a gut feeling, you should act on it by seeking clarity - not deciding the terms of the relationship for yourself.

and honesty and communication do not automatically lead to drama. people - adults - can be reasonable human beings and have reasonable conversations about what they can and cannot handle.

and it's not about his being worth it - it's about your being worth the benefit of closure, and seeking it using whatever means you deem necessary.

i don't regret a thing. many thanks to him for being a bright spot after a troublesome year.







i'm hoping this is all being deposited into my karma account.

on punking out.

i'd love to be able to say that i am fearless in matters of the heart.

but i am a punk.

i am the punk that my friend wanted to dropkick as she was walking down hollywood boulevard, on the opposite side of the country, because she couldn't believe how much i dropped the ball.

i am a ball-dropping punk who lets fear get the best of her.

i need to do better. i need to be better.

drunken honesty.

i go through moments of sheer terror, but...

i can't wait to have kids.

funny how that works.

"i thought i had good instincts, but my radar didn't extend beyond the heart."

i just read this in a vogue article about a woman who was saddled (and that's a gross understatement) with her husband's $3 million debt to the IRS following his death from pneumonia.

clearly a unique situation, and one that has probably generated a variety of opinions about relationships, identity, control, etc. i don't think anyone would argue that this woman shouldn't have asked questions about her husband's affairs (if your husband is buying a yacht and showering you with cartier, you should ask questions), but the above quote stood out to me for other reasons.

i think many of us fault ourselves for not getting it right. not seeing what we think we should have seen. the legal "known or should have known" standard. so many matters of the heart involve leaps of faith that don't always permit room for incessant questions because oftentimes there isn't an immediate answer. just your gut. sometimes your radar shouldn't extend beyond the heart. and sometimes it definitely should. i think that's the toughest part, and where judgment usually enters. it's very difficult to separate those matters that demand more cynicism from those that demand more faith. it's also difficult to separate the cynicism that stokes our fear from our emotional core where faith and trust are found. we feel and respond to fear first. it takes an extraordinary amount of work and patience to walk through our own fear in order to get to that emotional core.

i'm (perhaps obviously) speaking from a place of having emerged from extreme cynicism. conversely, the woman in the article has arrived from a place of total faith and romanticism. i think a lot of friends would characterize me as being this crazy romantic. and i am. but i'm the romantic that never believed in her own fairytale. i just liked how it sounded. i didn't trust myself, and certainly didn't trust men. more than being a romantic, i was the queen of self-sabotage. shut myself down before anyone had a chance to do so.

the academic was my first, serious leap of faith. and i fought my fears (and common sense) as much as i could to give myself a chance at something that i believed in. after him, i've learned to trust my gut more. i remember friends and logic telling me or suggesting that it was silly. but it wasn't. even after it all fell apart, i learned that my gut got it right. and the academic learned that his gut got it right. we may not have gotten the circumstances right, but we got each other right in defiance of logic. i think that's perhaps why i've been so freewheeling with the bajan. so far, my gut tells me he's okay. more than okay. that he's right for me right now. and that's enough.

intimacy.

i haven't dated someone in awhile, so i always tend to forget this (my libido can be very overpowering), but:

sex is ten times better when your heart is in it.

kissing is also better. it's almost like the other person feels and tastes differently. your feelings for them heighten your senses, and you pay attention to every little reflex and body movement. it's this all-consuming alienation. a good alienation. of just the two of you. and you're loathe to extricate yourselves.

i know i'm saying nothing new. but it's nice to finally feel it again.

not quite regret.

i believe we can have multiple "the ones." multiple great loves. but i don't think it's a certainty for everyone - how can any of us ever really know? and even when they're in front of us, we won't necessarily realize it in time. or maybe we do, but we're too clouded by our own issues to take complete advantage of it. i went to a very good friend's engagement party tonight (for two seconds - just to say hi - because i have a final on monday!), and the one thing i noticed was how secure they both seemed. happy and secure in a way that let me know they'd be together for an incredibly long time. and naturally, i started wondering what the eff i'm doing with my life, even though i'm a firm believer that i am where i am supposed to be. i really like the bajan... i definitely have feelings for him, but he feels more like a rest stop. that sounds incredibly insulting, and i do not mean it to be. he's been damn near close to perfect for the last three months, and i could see myself falling in love with him, but... rest stop.

i'm over the academic. and by over, i mean, i've moved on. there's no emotional tug.

but (and this is a big but),

tonight i realized that i missed out one great love. perhaps my only one - only time will tell. at some point, i'm going to have to be okay with that. this may be why i've changed positions on marriage. i don't want to marry any one who is not a great love. before, one was right in front of me. now, having experienced that kind of elation and pain, i don't want to relegate my heart (or legal status) to anything less. that said, if another comes along, i'll be ready.

pause.

on second thought, do not trust anything i say during finals. ever.

i might as well be PMSing.

it is finals time. i can't think about these things right now. things are always magnified and blown out of proportion - for better or for worse. talk to me when i'm a real person.

gawd, i'm so neurotic.

closing the deal

i think i'm thisclose to closing the deal with the bajan. or maybe the bajan is thisclose to closing the deal with me, since i've been insisting on my singlehood for weeks. until this past weekend, i was absolutely sure of my singlehood. now, however, i consider him to be mine, and i consider myself to be his. and if he hooked up or went out with some other girl, i know i would be livid. this is new. before, i wouldn't have minded; i just didn't want to know about it. but now? i dare him to even try that level of foolishness with me.

i have a suspicion he feels the same way, but i don't really want to discuss it until after final exams because who needs that conversation right before finals? not i.

but boyfriend? really? interesting.

"i'm available and single"

drunk dialing and desperation.

a tragedy of hilarious proportions.

missing him.

the bajan went on vacation to the dominican republic last saturday. he is scheduled to return today. before he left, he asked that i give him a recent picture of myself, since we wouldn't be able to meaningfully communicate while gone.

this is the first time where i really feel the absence of a person of the opposite sex who is not a family member or a friend. it has only been a week but it feels like ages since i've spoken to this person. i suppose in the past i wouldn't have let myself get to this point. i was perfectly content staggering conversations and interactions - never wanted to get too close.

where did that girl go? does she promise not to come back? this feels more honest...

full disclosure: i'm slightly apprehensive about his return. here i am missing him, but what if he had a change of heart? this is the longest we've gone without speaking to each other - our contact is usually daily. this is super new. either of us could walk away without leaving the other very hurt. either of us could meet someone else at any time.

neuroses. but i'm going to roll with them.

Love and Sunshine

My friend Lan took this photo and it just made my heart smile.

The Killers: True Love

We took a back road, we're gonna look at the stars
We took a back road in my car
Down to the ocean, it's only water and sand
And in the ocean we'll hold hands

pops.

NEXT DAY UPDATE: my dad was TOTALLY right. i love it.

my father knows about the bajan. he has known about him since day one, and is clearly invested because he wants to make sure his only girl is happy and treated well. my father and i have certainly had our ups and downs over the years. our low point took place between 2005-2006 where we didn't speak for a year. it was a cold war. and i was done with our relationship (then my brother died, which changed everything).

we haven't been able to find much common ground. he's not as academically-oriented as my mother is, so we haven't been able to discuss school (though this is getting better). i'm not into sports, so that's completely off the table.

but we do have my dating life. up until now i've been very very hesitant to involve him. i just didn't think we had that kind of relationship. during those few months with the academic, however, he seemed to take more of an interest in my life. his ears perked up. advice started flowing. he seemed to take on the role of dad, and not just father.

i'm feeling a little uncertain about things with the bajan, so i called my dad for advice. i've spoken to a few friends about this week and the inexorable onslaught of my neuroses, and they've all given solid, sanity-inducing advice. but my dad is the only one who really spoke to me. as a father who wants to see his daughter shine and be happy. and also as a man who has been around the block, and knows how male minds operate. i go to him before i go to my mother. that would have been unfathomable in the past. why would i have needed to tell my father anything? certainly then there was no need to share anything with my father, but now, i rely on my dad in unexpected and fulfilling ways. in these unexpected ways i rely on the man who is the source of so many of my issues. it is this that makes me think i'll be okay; that i can heal, and thrive in a functional relationship with another human being.

after 26.5 years, i think i'm finally my daddy's girl. or perhaps i've always been his girl, but he's finally my daddy.

full disclosure: he also bought me a pair of madison harding shoes.

shady mcshady.

you know what i don't love?

boys who give off the "i'm totally single" vibe when they are totally not single.

holy crap.

so i like someone. and he seems to like me.

and i don't want to fuck it up.

because i am the QUEEN of self-sabotage. so i'm fighting my instinct to not make an effort.

i've made an effort before (see, e.g., the academic), but even then it was very limited. i was so far outside of my comfort zone. making an effort is NOT IN MY DNA.

but i think i really want to try this time.

lawyercollegesoulmatebff: look at these boys making us act like women who we are NOT

"it hit me right in the gut. sudden nausea."

i hate it when stupid, mean-spirited girls happen to GREAT guys. especially when those guys are my friends.

the cycle continues...

Reflections from Seychelles: A Love Letter

“What you’ve done becomes the judge of what you’re going to do - especially in other people’s minds. When you’re traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don’t have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.” 

-  William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways

It’s my last night in the Seychelles and I feel impulsive as I reach for his arm while we stroll down the abandoned beach of Cousin Island under the shimmering lights of endless stars.  Thousands of miles from home, we drink and flirt with dawn, my life back home in the States always on the periphery of my mind somehow.  Sunrise usually finds us sobering up and dozing off in a quiet, still ocean-side hammock, while the chatter of birds and ocean waves crashing onto the beach continue on just a water’s width away.  But after tonight, I won’t be back here, at least not in the same way.

“This is what we’re going to do,” I tell him as we continue strolling down the beach, our footsteps embedded in the sand, glistening under the moonlit sky.  “We are going to grab our flashlights, sleeping bags, mosquito nets and hike up to the peak and spend the night under the bare naked stars.”  Experiencing nature in its truest form.

It always surprises me when I hear the cry of the shearwaters from their hidden nocturnal nests.  It used to scare me, but now it is a welcome, almost comforting sound that signifies everything that I have grown to love about this island and the people and the memories I’ll always have.  As we continue hiking along the path we make for ourselves, our flashlights flashing just a foot ahead of our path, I can’t help but recognize the overwhelming sense of sadness that sinks into me.  Sadness over the fact that tomorrow I will be leaving this place that has become my home in every sense of the word. 

He pulls me my hand as we head into the woods away from the coastline where the glisten of the stars can’t guide us and we have to rely solely on our flashlights.  It is a warm evening with the occasional cool breeze.  Steadily, the two of us make our way along the dirt path.  I can tell we are making our way up the hill.  We are having a full-fledged conversation, but I know that it’s the kind we’ll forget the second there’s a pause.  Each step is heavy, heavy like our feelings, and my feet land in thuds against the bare earth. 

Maybe what I’ve loved most about being thousands of miles away from home on an island in the middle of the Indian Ocean is that a new environment with new people offers a clarity impossible to attain when close to the familiar.  I feel like the truest form of myself when removed from my friends, family, and the societal/cultural expectations that has in a way hijacked my identity and dreams.  Leaving is dreaming of life without those expectations could be like: impulsive, unconventional, different.  Returning is a reminder of what I’m giving up on the road less taken: a cushy salary and guaranteed success.  All you have to do is follow the plan. 

IN THE morning, I wake to the warm ocean breeze blowing against my body. Beside me, he sighs deep as my movements stir him from his slumber.  The sun has yet to rise, still sharing the sky with the moon.  I yawn and drag him out of his sleeping bag for the sunrise and breakfast.   Plain white bread with cheese, sweet and sour sauce and fig jam while gazing off into the sky tinged with various shades of pink and orange- it is possibly the most satisfying meal I’ve had in the Seychelles yet.  I know that there’s no one else I’d rather share it with.

“This Island is beautiful,” he comments wistfully as we make our way down to the beach.  There is a tinge of regret in his voice, perhaps because we both know the flight back home is too long for either of us to come back here very often.  But for now, we revel in its charms.  It feels like the island is just waking up, and I am pleased by the subdued activity.  I take in the grand Pisonia trees, the Casurina seeds decorating the dirt path , the quiet, and I wonder when I was last somewhere that felt as peaceful, that felt as much like a home as a place could thousands of miles from home.

“This place is beautiful,” I tell him in agreement.

I pause a beat and turn my head to him. “Let’s never come back.”

He looks me right in the eye and grins.  His skin, tanned and dark, is glowing against the sun.

“Never,” he says.

the good stuff.

i really like this song.

no, it's not meant for anyone. pandora's donny hathaway station is so legit. i guess i should admit that i'm using this blog to save songs i don't feel like downloading, but want to remember. at least they're content-appropriate?

she's got that loving feeling?

oh yeah.
valentine's day just passed.

.....

that's all i've got.

#indifference

i like my friends.

a lot. in fact, i love them and try to support them in everything they do.

my friend in dc just started this blog: Baguettes and coffee.

if knowing her is any indication (and i know her well), then you all are in for really interesting perspectives on a diversity of topics. i actually rely on her to send me random articles of interest because as a student in lawyer college, i am no longer a real person. i'm like half a person. i'm like a pinocchio. without the penchant for lying. can i be a real girl again?

no, it's not a blog that maintains an explicit focus on love and relationships (like this one). she really intends for it to be a hodge podge of everything, so when you get sick of me blabbing about menfolk, help yourself to some Baguettes and coffee. actually, i trust your ability to multi-task so why don't you just make us happy by reading both?

xoxo

i get by with a little help from my friends.

I think I'm pretty good at dating advice, but sometimes (no -- many, many times) I need guidance. Today I received some very good advice from a friend and classmate that I think is worth sharing.

RelationshipGuruLawyerFriend: they live to please... just have to tell them how to
RelationshipGuruLawyerFriend: I have one philosophy. if they dont like you enough to do every reasonable thing you ask, they dont like you enough. the hard part is figuring out when you're being unreasonable.

I do not think men are tripping over themselves to make us happy, but I do think they want to make us happy. I just think many of them lack the vocabulary to articulate this - emotionally and behaviorally.

And now to actually work because I'm really behind in lawyer college.

Yes.

Aside from the sheer humor, he's right. I completely agree with him. *Three snaps!*

patience.

from today's postsecret...

being about it.

i had a very awful december. awful. and it seemed to cement the crappiness of 2010, and my overall poor luck with men. except now, i feel as if it provided a source of renewal in this crazy, inexplicable way. i remember having a conversation with my friend veronica* about an overall decline in my happiness over the last couple of years, and a general feeling of cynicism towards life and love. more than feeling strengthened by experience, i felt hardened and hollow.

a couple of months later i feel the strength that i thought was missing. i'm not a vessel of corrosive negativity. i am much more. and i feel it every morning when i wake up and i am grateful for my friends and family, and my capacity to love.

i made a few decisions in december and january. i decided to trim the fat and pour out the grease. it is not that i am too old for that shit...

i am simply too precious for that soul-clogging nonsense.

and breathe.

*name change

the problem with rules and expectations.

discussing a crush...

1shot2many: well...the ball is in his court...
bitesized: yeah, except he doesn't even know there is a ball.
1shot2many: you're so right dude. he doesn't even know there's a ball or a field for you to play the effing game!!

enough!

womenfolk:

STOP reading into male behavior. DO NOT anticipate what they will do. STOP structuring your actions so that they may result in a particular reaction from a man.

yes, to us, certain behaviors are logical. (why wouldn't he do that? it only makes sense!) but men are human beings. they are erratic, wily, and unpredictable. as are we.

furthermore, all of the crap i listed above amounts to games. STOP playing games. be grown. act like you're a grown ass woman deserving of a grown ass man.

so please spare yourself the agony, and communicate in order to obtain the answers you need. STOP waiting for an answer they may not realize they need to provide. and as long as you're not crazy and/or out of line (though crazy may sometimes be necessary), DO NOT worry about how they will react to your desire for honesty and clarity. those elements are basic. empathy is certainly a virtue, but we are NOT supposed to care about our crushes/f#ck buddies/boyfriends/husbands more than we care about ourselves. in what world does that make sense? and if someone tells you otherwise, feed them to the sharks.

/end rant.

new year.

relationships are hard.
i'd even venture to say that dating is harder.

men dish out an incredible amount of bullsh*t.

but why do i continue to see women who place themselves directly in the line of fire?

i'd like 2011 to be about loving ourselves just a little more than societal conditioning has taught us.